ISSHIN'S REVISION ON SHAWN'S POEM
Shawn's Original Poem
Let me take you out in the Harlem night/ Wrap the city roads all around you tonight/ Let me introduce you to Rap make you feel aight/ Jukebox loud to deliver bars to those ears delight/ Yes this is Langston Hughs and if you don't know that than/ sayonara you're old news/ R A P rhythme and poetry Iets explore it between you and me/ Driving under neon lights, making crowns out of all our fights/ Seeing the Lenox Avenue busses moving with the tide/ Finding revenue in the back alleyways of Morningside/ Lets not forget where we reside/ Forget the taxi’s and the subway’s let me take you on a runaway/ Always on the run, its never acapella but in this little play/ we're still at the foreplay/ Jump To the Harlem heartbeat/ Inner city queens with the fine two-seater car seats/ Where we always have the better wetter drumbeats/ put it on record while I'm dining on fine meats/ Let it whirl around the world from Harlem to Baghdad/ and while we listen to it play I can dance with you all day/ dance with you my sweet brown Harlem girl |
Isshin's Revised Poem
Let me take you out in the Harlem night/ Wrap the city roads all around you with light/ Let me introduce you to Rap make you feel aight/ Jukebox loud to deliver bars to those ears delight/ This is Langston Hughs and if you’re bewildered to what’s right/ sayonara you'll be old news by tonight/ R A P rhythme and poetry Iets explore it between you and me/ Driving under neon lights, making crowns out of all our glee/ Seeing the Lenox Avenue busses moving with the sea/ Finding revenue in the back alleyways of Morningside/ Lets not forget where we reside/ Forget the taxi’s and the subway’s let me take you worldwide/ Always on the run, it’s never acapella but in this little play/ we're still at the foreplay/ Jump To the Harlem ballet/ Inner city queens with the fine two-seater car seats/ Where we always have the better wetter drumbeats/ put it on record while I'm dining on fine meats/ You are my diamonds and pearl/ say goodbye to your fractious face my merle/ now dance with you my sweet brown Harlem girl/ |
ISSHIN'S ESSAY
Poems has the power to portray the authors emotions in an artistic form of writing. In Shawn Raine’s poem remix, I was able to understand what the meaning of his poem meant, was able to revise his poem to polish it, and learned several things from that experience.
Starting off with the good things about his work. Shawn has a very unique style in writing, where he incorporates the modern rap language and bilingual language into the original poem. I think being able to include these into one writing is a very hard thing to do and I think Shawn did an excellent job at it. His unique writing style makes his piece very catchy for audience like me, who is used to the modern style of language. At one point he uses the term sayonara within his english sentence, which stood out and showed me how he is able to use two language in a sentence efficiently. He can also balance out his modern style language with the theme, which in this case is harlem renaissance in 1920. A good example is when he uses the word Jukebox to keep the old-fashioned idea instead of Speakers/Music Player which are words we are far more familiar with.
With very little mistakes from his part, I found it hard to find a flaw in his work. But one thing I noticed was that his rhyme scheme is weird and does not follow the poetry style of rhyme scheme. To fix this problem, I changed few stanzas, to make a working rhyming pattern. From his rhyme scheme being AABCDAEEFFGGHIJ, I changed it to an extended version of AABBCCDDEEFF to asunder groups of stanzas in a more organized way. Of course, I tried not to destroy his style of writing, so I tried my best to write phrases that would follow his system. I also reserved some of the words he used to use it in the revision, so I can incorporate them later while revising.
In this process of understanding his poem and revising it, I learned something that could help me for my future way of revision. The thing that struck to me was that each person has their own style of writing, and so no one can really copy them. And so in terms of revising other people’s work, I think it is a very difficult and a prudence task to do because if you change it too much, you change the flow of the writing. What I mean by that is that if I changed more of Shawn’s words into mine, the poem would lose its ownership as Shawn’s writing. As I mentioned in the introduction, poems are a great way to express the author’s emotions. And so if I revised his poems too much, there is a possibility that I would completely erase his emotions that was in the poem, and replaced it into my feelings. Yet, making the work better is appropriate to make the piece professional, and so the balance between my revision and keeping the originality is important.
In this activity, I was able to understand how people have different ways of writing, the difficulty in revising, and most importantly how Shawn’s style of writing is very unique. I can use this experience to improve on my grotesque writing in poetry, and be able to express my feelings through words.
Poems has the power to portray the authors emotions in an artistic form of writing. In Shawn Raine’s poem remix, I was able to understand what the meaning of his poem meant, was able to revise his poem to polish it, and learned several things from that experience.
Starting off with the good things about his work. Shawn has a very unique style in writing, where he incorporates the modern rap language and bilingual language into the original poem. I think being able to include these into one writing is a very hard thing to do and I think Shawn did an excellent job at it. His unique writing style makes his piece very catchy for audience like me, who is used to the modern style of language. At one point he uses the term sayonara within his english sentence, which stood out and showed me how he is able to use two language in a sentence efficiently. He can also balance out his modern style language with the theme, which in this case is harlem renaissance in 1920. A good example is when he uses the word Jukebox to keep the old-fashioned idea instead of Speakers/Music Player which are words we are far more familiar with.
With very little mistakes from his part, I found it hard to find a flaw in his work. But one thing I noticed was that his rhyme scheme is weird and does not follow the poetry style of rhyme scheme. To fix this problem, I changed few stanzas, to make a working rhyming pattern. From his rhyme scheme being AABCDAEEFFGGHIJ, I changed it to an extended version of AABBCCDDEEFF to asunder groups of stanzas in a more organized way. Of course, I tried not to destroy his style of writing, so I tried my best to write phrases that would follow his system. I also reserved some of the words he used to use it in the revision, so I can incorporate them later while revising.
In this process of understanding his poem and revising it, I learned something that could help me for my future way of revision. The thing that struck to me was that each person has their own style of writing, and so no one can really copy them. And so in terms of revising other people’s work, I think it is a very difficult and a prudence task to do because if you change it too much, you change the flow of the writing. What I mean by that is that if I changed more of Shawn’s words into mine, the poem would lose its ownership as Shawn’s writing. As I mentioned in the introduction, poems are a great way to express the author’s emotions. And so if I revised his poems too much, there is a possibility that I would completely erase his emotions that was in the poem, and replaced it into my feelings. Yet, making the work better is appropriate to make the piece professional, and so the balance between my revision and keeping the originality is important.
In this activity, I was able to understand how people have different ways of writing, the difficulty in revising, and most importantly how Shawn’s style of writing is very unique. I can use this experience to improve on my grotesque writing in poetry, and be able to express my feelings through words.